Nothing is more painful to the human mind than, after the feelings have been worked up by a quick succession of events, the dead calmness of inaction and certainty which follows and deprives the soul of both hope and fear.

-Mary Shelley Frankenstein

I'm not in a good place right now - emotionally that is. The past couple days I have let my emotions eat me up inside and it is beginning to take a deathly toll. The VERY LITTLE, faith that I have is diminishing rapidly. Did I mention that the faith I have I very little?

I have been getting slapped around (figuratively) with this whole high school/college thing. I have worked ridiculously hard, yet have fell short in every way I can think of. It has gotten to the point where I feel like there is nothing else to live for and that not existing would be better than living to witness myself fail at reaching all the important goals I have made for myself.

When will I be recognized for my accomplishments? When will all these judges, admission officers, etc. be able to SEE that I have had a hard life but pushed through it, and that I am deserving of scholarships, acceptance and recognition? When will anyone see that I MUST get away from this wretched life I currently have and that the only way to do so is via education. When will anyone see that I have to cry every day and conjure the courage up to move on for one more day to see anything change?

I am dead tired.

Tired of waiting for something to change or for someone to understand all that I have been through. I am tired of giving my all and putting my life in an application only to be told that I am not worthy enough for an acceptance or scholarship.

Firstly, no one will ever be able to "know" me from an application, and all that I ask for is a chance - an opportunity. I promise that if given some bit of recognition and/or credit and use it as supernatural fuel to make myself and everyone else proud. My desire for success is just too immense for my accomplishments to go unnoticed.

I am tired of friends, family, teachers and the like, telling me lies that I have nothing to worry about. "You will get into that school," or "I know you will get that scholarship."

Lie. Lie. Lie.

Every scholarship that I have put my blood sweat and tears into told me I was not good enough as those chosen.

Way to boost my confidence, eh?

Frankly, I will never be given the chance to reach my full potential if I am never given the chance to explore it.

I refuse to take out a loan to pay for school and pay it back the rest of my life. I refuse to make my credit bad and then make my life much harder than it already is. I refuse to live with knowing I worked just as hard if not harder than anyone else, when it all seems like it was for absolutely nothing.

I don't care any more.

If I get accepted to this school, I am throwing a party for the world!

A friend of mine directed me to this video, so I just thought I would share it with you all since it is somewhat interesting.  By the way, this is my 50th blog post since I have began this blog. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Anyway, the most typical face on Earth...

I have a lot to say right now, but I don't know how to say it.

I had a good day today but then I started feeling cumbersome once I got home.  This, my readers, is what I call the mind plague. I let small things bother me and the majority of the time, it is my own fault...I think. Usually, I have an anecdote for times like these but this time my cupboard of remedies is bare empty. What to do?

On a random note, reality is slowly displacing the remaining dependency that is left of my young adult life. I don't think it has dawned on my just yet that I am 18 and now I don't need my parents for much of anything.

This entry is pointless, however, sometimes it's just good to talk. To write about whatever is on your mind.

I'm done.

I had a good day today. I think it was the shorts. I hope the rest of the week is like this.