I was productive today. I managed to finish my Cornelius Vanderbilt Scholarship Essay and also decided to the Chancellor's Scholarship application as well. I am confident about both.

In other news, I finally submitted "common" applications yesterday. So far I have submitted applications to

1. Yale - Connecticut
2. Columbia - New York
3. Duke - North Carolina
4. Brown - Rhode Island
5. Vanderbilt - Tennessee
6. University of Rochester - New York
7. University of Miami - Florida
8. University of Vermont - Vermont

I don't really want to go to Vermont but the application was free and there was no essay, so whatever. I eliminated Stanford, Cornell and UPenn off of my list due to cost. I really wanted to apply to Stanford but I decided to split their $90 application fee into two, maybe even three additional schools. One of those schools are University of Florida. I'm considering Georgetown and Xavier for the other two.

Within the next two weeks I will finish my essay to Oxford at Emory and then submit their application(s) along with Morehouse.

This burden of applying college is almost over. I will try not to stress, but instead be optimistic about my seemingly "ambitious" choices. Just maybe there really is a chance of me getting into an Ivy League, despite my credentials. The anticipation has already begun!

Yesterday was a defining moment. While realizing that college application deadlines were just a few days away, and that I haven't narrowed down my choices nor finished what is required of me - I broke down. I cried with and aside my mother...

I worried myself sick about how imperfect things are at the current moment, how I'm not good enough and how, if by some chance my mom scurries up the money to pay for my applications - it would all be a waste of time and a waste of money.

I'm not going to get accepted.

Seemed to be the only thing I can tell myself. As much as it pains me to say it, I lost the majority of hope in this entire process,  and now I am depending on the lingering leap of faith that subsides in the pit of my heart. I HAVE TO GET IN to at least one of of my choices; if I don't I would feel like all my hard work in high school was time wasted.

Wasting time...

Now that I think about, wasting time seems to be a pattern. Maybe my state of mind right now has a lot to do with time. With me. With my actions. Maybe I haven't cared enough or use my times wisely. Well, you see, that's just it.

I THOUGHT I WAS ON TOP OF MY *SHH.

However, reality has set in and only time, a plethora of e-mails and the opening of acceptance letters will tell. Hopefully, this crying everyday will diminish once this is all over. Aside from the fact that this applying process will all be over soon, I guess you can say that there are a few things to look forward to. Something I have been waiting for all my life (We will discuss what these things are at a later time).

I don't know much to say about the matter besides...
Well, I don't have anything else to say.

I remember entering high school with the least bit of knowledge as to what my experience as high school would turn out to be. Would it be exciting? Stressful? Would I be willing to do it all over again?

Nearly four years have passed and in just a few months, my high school experience will be over. The years leading up to senior year have been eventful, some years more so than others. Despite the profitable and enjoyable moments endured during my years in high school, I can't seem to get my mind off of the pressure of senior year.

There is no question that I have worked hard the past couple of years, taking the more rigorous courses, joining a plethora of clubs and organizations, and assuming several leadership roles just to ensure that I remain busy. Although I have managed to earn a 4.0, the thought of being accepted to my top college/university choices plagues both my heart and mind.

I have taken the SAT I and SAT II subject tests as well as the ACT and I feel that my scores do not reflect my true ability and willingness to thrive in an ivy league. Because of the reputation I developed at school and at home, people kind of expect me to attend a prestigious university, when the reality of it all is that such may not be the case. I feel as though I've been working to maintain this reputation, and too, have used my reputation as a false sense of of security in that getting into college will be a piece of cake.

Now that the time has come, I can't even begin to explain how overwhelming the college application process has become.

Test scores. Recommendations. Essays. MONEY!

The four things mentioned above are just about the only things I think about. If I'm not writing an essay or scurrying around the school for recommendations, I'm either dwelling on my poor test scores or worrying how I'm going to pay for school yet alone the applications to get in! Yes, even something so small as an application fee is hindering my chance of going to college.

Bottom line, money is an issue.

I do not wish to use money as my excuse, but it does in fact have a lot to do with the pressures present in my life right now.

In a perfect world, test scores wouldn't matter, but the grades and participation in school would suffice. In a perfect world, everyone would have the chance to be interviewed by their select college choices rather than trying to conjure up creativity to sell themselves on paper? In a perfect world, "chance" would be the solution to my dilemma.

But the world isn't perfect, and never will the world be perfect.

So what to do now?

There is not such thing as family around these parts...
My family members act like parasites.
Bacteria.

I want to get away from them as far as possible.


Just a few more months...and MY life will begin.

At this point, I really don't know what to do anymore. Anything that is supposed to be "good" for me is always only almost good.  I fall short in a lot of areas of my life, but what I'm directly referring to (at least right now) is school.

Senior year isn't anything like I thought it would be.  I remember like it was yesterday, coming into high school as a freshman with an uncanny admiration for the infamous 12th graders.  I  would see them throughout the school day, and from the outside looking in, envy their distinguished maturity and livelihood.

Three years later, I'm in there place and everything I SAW as freshman FEELS completely different. Everyday is another issue, thus the issues accumulate with time.  I am constantly worried about getting homework done to maintain good grades while balancing out trying to get college things in order; both very stressful and hard to juggle.

I'm on edge right now.  I have worked very hard this semester and none of my grades show for it.  No matter what I do, my actions and academic vigor refuses to correspond to the products I produce.  In other words, my performance is not yielding good results.

In terms of college, I am doing everything on my own.  Figuring out what school to go to is one thing, but I have no guidance and talking to my mom about anything related to it is a waste of time; she doesn't know the answer to anything and she doesn't provide any real help.  I have no idea how I'm going to pay the application fees of the schools I am applying to either...

Speaking of the schools I am applying to, there are several, some might even say too many. But I can't help it.  I am afraid that I will get rejected by the majority of them, so applying to a multitude of schools gives me a sense of security.  In the even that I do get into school, how I am going to pay for it is another story.  I shouldn't be saying this (because things need to be taken care of now), but that is a bridge I shall cross when I come to it.  Right now, I'm just focused on getting in.

Getting in is the real problem.  Submitting applications cost money, completing applications is HARD, and getting teachers and counselors to do their part in terms of recommendations and signing things are a real headache.  I have less than a month to get everything done, and from the looks of things, nothing will get done.


I need help.

The hospital room is cold, and there you are, holding your arms to keep warm as you sit immovable and your eyes fixated on the lifeless being next to you. The doctor’s words “We’ve done all we can,” resonate in your mind, forcing a new tear to roll down your cheek each and every second. You have sat in this very seat, for days, wondering, “If I lose you, who will be there for me?” Suddenly, you hear the heart monitor begin to let out a high pitched “beep,” speeding faster, intervals decreasing with time. You immediately stand up, and grab the hand of this being, and after only thirteen seconds, that “beep” becomes a long continuous sound that you were hoping to never hear. “So this what death sounds like” you say aloud. Your rock, your support system, the last person present for you to love is now non-existent – your mother has passed away.